


spelled out your name and list the reasons

by dearingsattler



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, LIKE A LOT OF ANGST, Lack of Communication, seriously these two need to communicate better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-09
Updated: 2019-04-09
Packaged: 2020-01-07 04:15:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18402917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dearingsattler/pseuds/dearingsattler
Summary: Nate and Zari find out about Sara and Ava's fight and make it their mission to fix things between themOr: Sara and Ava really need to learn how to communicatea 4x09 fix-it





	spelled out your name and list the reasons

**Author's Note:**

> Meant to have this up before this week's ep but oh well ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ (also idk why that tag is in all caps ao3 kept changing it I don't understand)
> 
> Anyway this turned out about 3-4 times longer than I anticipated but I think it turned out pretty good so I hope you all enjoy
> 
> Title is from The Con by Tegan and Sara

Zari had only just gotten back to the ship and was uploading what she had found to a secure drive she had created for Gideon when Sara appeared on the bridge.  “Oh hey, Sara, I wanted…” Zari trailed off as Sara ignored her, moving straight past her and towards the living quarters.  “To run something by you.  Okay, that’s not like Sara.  Gideon?”

“Yes Ms. Tomaz?”

“Do you know what’s up with Sara?”

“I’m not entirely sure.  However, I can tell you that her last two calls with Director Sharpe consisted of harsh tones and ended with one of them hanging up on the other.”

Zari swore under her breath.  “Where is she now?”

“In her room, I believe she is currently crying.”

“Dammit, thanks Gideon.  Keep scanning the data I just uploaded, I’m gonna go talk to her.”  Zari didn’t wait for Gideon’s affirmative before heading off to Sara’s room, knocking gently on the door.  “Sara?”  No response except for the muffled sobs.  “Sara, I’m coming in.”

Zari opened the door to see Sara curled in a ball on her bed, clutching what Zari knew to be Ava’s pillow for dear life as she cried.  Zari almost didn’t know what to do as she took in the scene, she had never seen Sara like this before.  So, she did the only thing that seemed logical in that moment.

Zari moved across the room, lying down next to Sara, wrapping her arms around her as Sara immediately responded, turning to curl into Zari as she continued to cry.

They spent the next several minutes like that, Zari whispering any soothing words she could think of in Sara’s ear until Sara finally calmed down.  “You want to tell me what’s going on?”

“I thought you didn’t do feelings.”  Sara’s voice was wry but still hoarse from the crying.

“I don’t,” Zari scoffed.  “But would you really rather talk about what’s bothering you with one of the guys or Charlie?”

“Touché.”  Sara laughed half-heartedly before sighing.  “Ava broke up with me,” she admitted quietly.

Zari shot up into a sitting position, looking down at Sara.  “ _What?_  Why?”

Sara sat up as well, crossing her legs and facing Zari.  “Everything that went down today.  I was trying so hard to do the right thing but all she could see is that I wasn’t in her corner when she needed me most.” Sara sighed again, casting her eyes downwards.  “She’s right though, I wasn’t.  I had both the Kaupe and Mona in my custody and I made the conscious choice to do the exact opposite of what she was asking me.”

“For good reason,” Zari countered.  “You and I both saw that footage, we both know what’s going on and we know it needs to be stopped.  Doesn’t Ava understand that?”  Sara’s face went blank.  “Sara,” Zari said cautiously.  “What are you not telling me?”

“Ava doesn’t care,” Sara finally revealed after a long moment of silence.  “She said, and I quote, that the bureau’s purpose is to protect human history and if Hank has to experiment on some magical creatures in order to better contain them, so what?”  Tears started to slip silently down Sara’s cheeks again as she spoke.

“ _Ava_ said that?”  Zari felt both horror and incredulity come over her as Sara nodded.  “I know Ava’s by-the-book but that seriously does not sound like her, what happened to the Ava Sharpe that showed some actual humanity to the bureau’s prisoners?”

“I don’t know.”  Sara whispered, looking down at her hands.

“What is it?”  Zari prompted gently, sensing there was something more going on.

“It’s just,” Sara paused, seemingly collecting her thoughts.  “It’s just seeing Ava so nonchalant about all this, like torturing and possibly even murdering these creatures is perfectly okay and I hate that she can be like this when I still struggle with the bloodlust and she knows that.”

Zari felt her heart break.  She had been on the team long enough to be very familiar with Sara’s struggles, especially since the Mallus possession and the fact that Ava could be so blasé about something like this around Sara astounded her.  “Did you tell Ava this?”

Sara shook her head.  “No, I couldn’t find the words and then she told me to leave so I just didn’t.”

Zari, unable to bear the pain in Sara’s eyes, pulled her into a hug.  “You should.  But only when you’re ready, okay?”

Sara nodded against her shoulder.  “Thanks, Z.”

Zari smiled.  “Of course, Cap.  You know I’ve always got your back.”

 

Nate burst into Hank’s office.  “Please, _please_ tell me you did not fire Ava,” he panted, having practically sprinted to Hank’s office after hearing about his and Ava’s meeting.

Hank looked up, expression stony.  “She’s on thin ice but I didn’t.  If only because it would have upset your mother.”  Nate wasn’t sure he had ever been more thankful for the fact that his mother adored Ava like she were her own daughter.

“Thin ice?”  Nate rolled his eyes.  “Come on Hank, you and I both know that what went down wasn’t her fault.  Not to mention she’s the only person in this building qualified for the job.”

“I don’t know, I think you would do a pretty good job.”  Hank gave Nate what he had come to coin as his ‘patented camera-ready proud dad smile’.

Nate barked out a laugh.  “Right, okay dad.  I may be one of Ava’s right-hands but that does not make me qualified to run this place by any means.”

“Well at least you would keep your emotions better in check.”  Hank muttered.

This piques Nate’s interest and he raised an eyebrow at Hank.  “What on earth are you talking about?  I have literally never met someone better at keeping their emotions at bay than Ava.”

“Then explain why she came into the meeting clearly looking like she had been crying and could start crying again at the drop of a hat.”

“Excuse me,” Nate responded, turning to leave Hank’s office.  Something had gone down with Ava.

And he was going to find out.

 

Ava looked up from the file she had been trying to focus on for the better part of the last hour as Nate barged into her office.  “Knock much?”

“What’s going on?”  Ava gave Nate a questioning, exasperated look.  He had barged in for _this_?  “Hank said you looked like you had been crying and if Hank, possibly the least sensitive person in the world except for Mick, noticed then it must have been pretty obvious.  So, what’s going on?”

Ava sighed, knowing Nate wouldn’t leave until he found out what he was looking for.  “Sara and I had a fight and I kind of, maybe, sort of, broke up with her?”  Ava grimaced at the memories.

“What happened?”  Nate dragged a chair around Ava’s desk, so he could sit next to her.

Ava recapped her and Sara’s argument briefly, not willing or wanting to fully re-experience it.  “I just needed one thing from her Nate, and she wasn’t there.  I’m not sure how I’m supposed to move past it.”

Nate placed a comforting hand on her forearm, allowing Ava to collect herself while he debated how to approach this.  Ava needed to be aware of what was going on, but Nate also did not want to invalidate her feelings.

“Hey,” he finally spoke up, pulling out his phone.  “I want you to look at this, okay?”  Ava gave him a questioning look but nodded.  Nate opened the video that Zari had sent him upon his request, watching as Ava’s face paled while she watched.  “We’re not even done combing yet and we’ve found several more erased incidences just like this.”  Nate spoke quietly, trying to gauge Ava’s reaction.

“She was right,” Ava’s voice broke.  She looked up at Nate.  “But why didn’t she show me this?”

“Did you give her a chance to?”  Pain flashed across Ava’s face before she shook her head.  “Look, you and I both know Sara, and we both know that she doesn’t do anything without good reason.”  Nate’s eyes softened. “Especially when it comes to you.”

“Do you know what Hank’s endgame is?”  Ava asked after what seemed like an hour of silence.

“And I guess we’re done talking about that,” Nate quipped.  “Not yet, he knows I know he’s up to something and he’s said he’ll bring me in when the time is right, but something tells me he’s planning something big.”

Ava nodded curtly.  “Well thank you for bringing this to my attention Nate, I trust you will keep me updated.  For now, though, I really must get back to work.”

Nate decided it was best not to push.  “I’ll keep you in the loop,” he agreed before exiting Ava’s office.

 

Nate portalled into Zari’s room for their agreed meeting and was surprised to see Zari still working away on her tablet.

“Hey, sorry,” she said without looking up.  “I know this is when we agreed to meet but I got distracted so I’m not quite done sorting through all this yet.”

Nate collapsed in the chair next to Zari’s bed.  “What distracted you?  And why did you tell me to portal here and not the bridge?”

“Sara asked me to keep this quiet and the bridge isn’t exact an inconspicuous location,” Zari pointed out, finally looking up from the tablet.  “And the distraction was also Sara.”

“Oh,” Nate said knowingly.  Zari just gave him a look.  “I talked to Ava,” he explained.  “She didn’t give me all the details but whatever went down between them sounded bad.”

“It was.  Sara’s really torn up over it.”  Zari rubbed her temple with a sigh.  “She feels like a terrible girlfriend but she’s also really hurting over some of the things Ava said.  I got to admit, there were some comments that were completely out of line.”

“Yeah, like I understand why Ava’s hurt but she really did not give Sara a chance to explain anything.”  Nate ran a hand down his face.  “This whole is honestly just such a mess.”

“Okay I love them both, but they really suck at communicating and need to work on that.”

“No kidding,” Nate rolled his eyes.  “They’ll talk it out once they’re both ready.  Of course, they’re also both incredibly stubborn so we might have to push them to do so.”

“Tell me what Ava said to you and I’ll tell you what Sara said to me and then we can go and give each of them a little hint of what the other is feeling?”  Zari proposed, not wanting her friends to hurt longer than necessary.

“Sounds like a plan to me,” Nate agreed.  “But first we should probably work on some of what we met here to work on.”

“Yeah, we probably should.”  Zari tucked her hair behind her ear.  “Hey, Nate?”

“Yeah?”

“You’d tell me if you were upset with me, right?”  Zari seemed almost shy.  “Like we would actually communicate with each other?”

Nate smiled.  “Of course.”  He moved to sit next to Zari on the bed.  “Now, show me what you’ve got.”

 

Nate knocked on Ava’s office door the next day, waiting for the muffled “come in” before entering.  Ava glanced up as he entered.  “Glad to see you learned how to knock,” she remarked dryly.

“Okay, I probably earned that,” Nate admitted, closing the door behind him.

“You don’t say.”  Ava finished what she was doing and looked up again.  “What can I do for you?”

Nate slid a file across her desk.  “I told you I’d keep you updated so here you go.  Be careful that that doesn’t end up in the wrong hands.”  Ava rolled her eyes, giving Nate a look that said, ‘do you really think I’m that stupid?’ “Point taken.”  He flopped into a chair in front of Ava’s desk.

Ava raised an eyebrow.  “Something else I can help you with, Mr. Heywood?”

“Have you spoken to Sara?”

Ava gave him a hard look.  “I don’t see how that’s your business.”

Nate shrugged.  “She’s hurting too, you know.”

Ava laughed bitterly.  “Really?  Don’t see how, she wasn’t the one who felt abandoned by her own girlfriend.”

Nate sighed, resisting the urge to pinch the bridge of his nose.  “And again, you’re allowed to feel that way, but I want you to listen to what I’m about to say, okay?”  Ava nodded reluctantly.  “Tell me, how would you feel to see your girlfriend acting so nonchalant about _torture_ when you still struggle with bloodlust and probably always will.”

Nate watched as an array of emotions flashed through Ava’s eyes – disbelief, realization, horror.  “Oh God,” she eventually managed to choke out.  “I really need to talk to Sara, don’t I?”

Nate smiled softly, catching Ava’s hand with his own and giving it a squeeze.  “Yeah, you do.  But only when you’re ready okay.  Take a little time to think through things a bit more, don’t go now.”

Ava nodded, using her free hand to swipe at her eyes.  “Thank you, Nate.”

Nate gave Ava’s hand another squeeze and then let go, standing up.  “You know I’ve always got your back, Sharpe.”

 

Zari meanwhile, had found Sara in her office on the Waverider.

“Hey, here are the updates on mine and Nate’s digging.”  She slid the tablet across the table and sat down, taking in Sara’s defeated posture and drink in hand.  “So, have you talked to Ava?”  Zari asked cautiously, hoping that the answer was no.

Sara shook her head.  “I don’t know what to say.  I know I screwed up, but what she said…”

“And that’s okay.  You’re allowed to be hurt too.  But you do really need to keep in mind how you would feel if the situations were reversed.”

“Abandoned,” Sara whispered.  Zari nodded, giving her a sympathetic look.  “But she didn’t listen.”

“She didn’t,” Zari acknowledged.  “But that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t feel bad about that now that she knows what’s going on.”

Sara looked up sharply.  “She does?”

Zari nodded.  “Nate brought her in on it, she’s fully up to speed.”

Sara sat up, putting her drink down.  “I really need to go talk to her, don’t I?”

“You do,” Zari agreed.  “But do both of you a favour and wait until she gets off work.”  She tilted her head towards the glass on the table.  “And maybe put the drink away.”

Sara chuckled, a small but true smile flashing across her face.  “Who knew you could be so good with emotions?”

Zari gave her a half-hearted glare.  “I will vehemently deny any and all claims of having emotions or dealing with others’ well.”

Sara let out a genuine laugh.  “Fair enough.”  She sobered.  “Thank you, Z.”

Zari smiled.  “Any time.”

 

Ava fixed her hair for what was probably the hundredth time, went to pick up her time courier, talked herself out of it, paced to the kitchen to contemplate a drink, went back to the mirror again, before finally collapsing onto her couch with a groan.  For crying out loud, it was _Sara_ , why was she so unable to face what was going on between them?  Why couldn’t she just suck it up and overcome the pit of dread that had formed in her stomach?

She didn’t need to ask to know the answer.

Several minutes later Ava had finally worked up the nerve to pick up her time courier and take the jump when a knock sounded at her door.  She cursed under her breath as she felt the courage that had taken so long to muster evaporate, slamming her time courier down and stalking to the door.  “Gary, I swear to god you had better actually be dy- Sara?”  Ava stopped short as she opened the door to reveal Sara instead of the expected Gary.

Sara raised an eyebrow.  “Does Gary show up at your apartment often?”

“You have no idea,” Ava deadpanned before moving aside to allow Sara to come in.  “I was just about to come see you.”

“Glad I beat you too it then, less prying eyes here.”

Ava grimaced.  “Yeah, didn’t think of that admittedly.”  Suddenly she was very glad it took her so long to work up the courage to even pick up her time courier.  “Want a drink?”  Sara nodded and moved to sit on the couch silently as Ava went into the kitchen and poured them each a whiskey.

Ava joined Sara on the couch a moment later, handing her her drink.  The two women nursed their drinks in continued silence for a moment before both speaking up at once.

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry.”

They caught each other’s eye and giggled.  “May I?”  Asked Ava.  Sara gestured for her to go ahead.  “I’m sorry for what I said.  I was just so angry with you that I didn’t even think about the implications of what I said.  All I could see is that you weren’t there when I needed you and so I said things that I knew were the complete opposite of what you were trying to tell me, I didn’t care if my words hurt you or not.  But what I said was wrong and I am so sorry that I said it.”

“Except you were right.  I wasn’t there for you and I should have been.”  Sara reached over to tuck a lock of hair behind Ava’s ear, cupping her cheek with her hand.  “I never had any intention of making you feel like I wasn’t there for, of not being there for you.  But I did, I was, and for that, I am truly sorry.”

“But you were right,” Ava insisted.  “What you tried to tell me is exactly what’s going on, but I wouldn’t listen, and I should have.  I should have known that you had a good reason for not being there because you always do.”  She took a shaky breath.  “I should have trusted you,” she said, her voice small.

“Ava, no.”  Sara’s voice was strangled.  “This is not on you.  I was the one that wasn’t there and you had every right to feel the way that you did.”

“That doesn’t mean I had the right to say what I said.”  Ava caught the hand that was still on her cheek and gripped it in her own.  “I know that you still struggle with the darkness almost everyday even if it has gotten better and yet I still consciously chose to make those comments about torture despite not believing in a single word I said.”  A few tears slipped down Ava’s cheeks.  “There’s no excuse but I am, truly, sorry.”

A somewhat hysterical giggle erupted from Sara’s lips.  “God, look at us.  We really are just a couple of apologetic messes, aren’t we?”

Ava laughed, leaning forward so that her forehead was touching Sara’s.  “We really are.”

“Promise me something?”  Sara asked softly after a moment had passed.

“Anything.”

Sara pulled back so she could look Ava in the eye.  “Next time something like this comes between us,” she held up a finger to stop Ava’s automatic retort, “and don’t pretend that nothing will come between us again because we both know something will.  Next time it happens, we actually communicate with one another.  Because, quite frankly, we are terrible at communication and need to get better at it.”

“Yeah, we are, aren’t we?”  Ava sighed.  “I want to think that nothing will come between us like this again, but you’re right, it will.  And we do need to actually communicate with each other next time rather than just argue and throw things around to hurt each other simply because we’re mad.”

“Exactly.  I’m not saying we’re never going to argue, but if we want our relationship to evolve we need to communicate better, in all aspects.”  Sara placed both her hands on Ava’s face.  “Because I love you, and we deserve so much better than that.”

Ava leaned forward to kiss Sara gently, before moving back so she could see Sara’s eyes.  “I promise,” she said, her voice solemn.

“I promise too,” Sara’s voice was equally as heavy.

“Pinky swear?”  Ava smiled slightly at the memory, holding up her pinky.

Sara grinned.  “Pinky swear.”  She caught Ava’s with her own.  They stayed like that for a minute before Sara yawned.  “Now, I don’t know about you but I could really use some sleep.”

Ava nodded.  “Stay?”

“Of course.”

 

Ava woke up the next morning to warm light casting over her bed, feeling more rested and relaxed than she had since her and Sara’s fight.  She glanced over and saw the cause for her current relaxation still sound asleep, a small smile on her face

She simply watched Sara for the next several minutes, reflecting on what had gone down, thinking about what she could have done differently, how things could have gone better.

“I can hear you thinking from here,” Sara murmured without opening her eyes.

Ava blushed.  “Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you.”

Sara opened her eyes, blinking a couple of times before settling her gaze on Ava.  “It’s okay.  You want to tell me what’s on your mind?”

“Us,” Ava said.  She placed a hand on Sara’s chest, the feel of her heartbeat under her hand comforting.  “What happened between us, what I should have done differently.”

“Hey now,” Sara took Ava’s hand in her own, turning so that she was facing her.  “It does you no good to dwell on what has already happened.  What’s in the past is in the past, the important thing is that we move past it and learn from it.”

“When did you get so wise?”  Ava teased, yelping as Sara poked her in the side.  “Kidding!  Well, kind of.”  She batted Sara’s arm away with a laugh as she attempted to poke her again.  “But seriously, I’ve been thinking about the whole thing and there’s something I want to say in the name of better communication.”

Sara sobered, giving Ava’s hand a squeeze.  “Of course, you know you can tell me anything.”

“I was thinking about how I reacted and why I reacted that way and well…” Ava trailed off, faltering in her resolve.

“Anything,” Sara reminded her emphatically.

Ava took a deep breath, allowing Sara’s encouragement to work its magic.  “All I know is the bureau.  And you’d think I would want to be defined by something else considering that the bureau is what I was _literally_ programmed for. But the truth is I don’t know how to do anything else, and all I could think is that if I lost my job then I had nothing.”  She looked down, refusing to meet Sara’s eye.  “I’m not sure I could do anything else even if I tried.  Clones were each programmed for one specific purpose after all.”

“Clones also weren’t programmed to feel any emotions.”  Sara lifted Ava’s chin, so she could see her face.  “What you feel?  That is entirely you, that had nothing to do whatever programming you may or may not have received.  And there’s no doubt in my mind that you could learn anything you put your mind to.”  She reached over and stroked Ava’s hair.  “That being said, I know how important the bureau is to you, and I swear that I will try my damndest to not do anything that could put that in jeopardy.  But know that if anything ever were to happen, you always have a home on the Waverider.”

By this point there were tears falling down Ava’s face.  “Thank you, for understanding.  But also for giving me a safe place should something happen.”

“Of course, always.  Just promise me something?”  Ava nodded, eyes curious.  “I know you still struggle with the clone thing, and I don’t blame you, that is a major thing to have to come to terms with.  But talk to me when you’re struggling, okay?”  Sara gave Ava a somewhat sad smile.  “I can’t pretend to understand what you’re going through in the slightest, but I can help you work through it in any way I can, you just have to let me.”

“I will, I promise.”  Ava wiped her eyes with her free hand.  “As long as you promise me to let me help you with your demons.  I know we’ve been over this before, but I need to hear it again.”

“I promise.”  Sara shuffled closer to Ava in order to kiss her.  Ava melted into the kiss, wrapping her arms around Sara and pulling her as close as physically possible.

They parted after a moment, lying together in comfortable silence when Ava spoke up.  “As much as I would hate to ruin this moment, we really need to get up.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Sara sighed.  “I should probably get back to the ship, who knows what’s happened in my absence.”  Ava’s eyes widened in panic.  “Relax, I threatened bodily harm if they got into any real trouble, anything they’ve done will be superficial.”

“Still, you should probably go.”  Ava sat up.  “See you after work?”

Sara sat up and kissed her again.  “Of course.”

A soft smile crossed Ava’s face.  “Hey.”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

An identical smile came across Sara’s.  “I love you too.”

**Author's Note:**

> Y'all can find me on tumblr at pipperlowonida if you want to yell about avalance/legends (dm if you want my twitter)
> 
> Hope you enjoyed! :)


End file.
